Comprehending Engineers - Take One
An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new bicycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike", asked the first.
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.
Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
Pastor: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ..... ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was walking down the street one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess."
The engineer leaned over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again, saying, "Didn’t you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess!"
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled, and then put it right back in his pocket. Getting angrier by the moment, the frog shouted, "What’s the matter with you? Why won’t you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess?"
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again and said, "Listen, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend… But a talking frog? Now that’s cool!"
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
The Top 10 Things Engineering School don't teach:
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.
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